If I could remove a month off the calendar it would be the Month of April. April was and will always be a life-changing month for me. April will forever be the constant reminder about a series of events that I try all year to forget.

It is ironic how I can go without the month of April, but it is also the month that my daughter was born in. Not only is it her birth month, it is also my father's birth month. If he wasn't born, I wouldn't exist. But yet....if I could remove this month off the calendar, I would, and without hesitation...

We learn our strength through experiences. Without our own experiences, we wouldn't be able to recognize the strength that we have. Life will trigger you and how we react to it, will define how strong we are. 

When Nipsey Hussle died, he took over my social media. Everyone was posting him. Regular people to celebrities. Rappers to basketball players to actors. Pictures of his family and videos of his music were everywhere. This was a trigger for me. 

After my birthday, there is always a countdown in the back of my mind. I have 30 days. I have 30 days.. until April 5th. During those 30 days, I try to keep myself busy. I purposely don't focus my thoughts on April. So on March 31st, when Nipsey died, I got hit with a trigger that I wasn't prepared for. 

Listening and reading stories of how people are affected by his death, only made me think about my own tragedy four years ago. Thinking about how his family might feel, makes me think of my own daughter. I am feeling those emotions that I always try to hide. As it gets closer to April 5th it gets harder to stay strong. So when the world is facing a tragedy that you can relate to, it just makes it harder to swallow. When April 5th came, my social media was still talking about this legendary rapper. How can I get on my own instagram and see the world mourn this man, express empathy for his family and kids, and tell heartfelt stories; how can I get on my social media and see posts that I can relate too, and not act like it doesn't bother me.

This is a fool's month. I lost a life and gained a life right back. Must be a joke. 

Being a mom is the greatest thing that has happened to me and I am not just saying that because that is what all moms say. Jewels saved my sanity. 

Fours years ago on April 5th, I woke up with an eerie feeling in my stomach. My intuition was telling me that something wasn't right. I lived in my townhome with my boyfriend at the time. I was 9 months pregnant. 10 days before my due date to be exact. My boyfriend did not wake up that morning with me. I was faced with a reality that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was only me and him. The next few calls I made that morning were the scariest calls I have ever had to make. I was able to walk out of our home that day. My boyfriend had to be carried out. 

As a soon-to-be mother, I was terrified. My baby never even had a chance at a two-parent family. I remember feeling her kicks. Each movement she made, brought fears. I remember being scared to meet my baby. What if she looks exactly like him? I didn’t know if I was strong enough to see him in her. I was scared to meet my own baby. 

This is a fool's month. 

My baby didn't waste anytime arriving into this world. She must have felt her mother's fears because she came four days later. My daughter may not have met her father, but she entered this world before his funeral. She entered this world before everyone said goodbye to her father. She entered this world, before he officially left.

If I could remove one month off the calendar, I would remove the Month of April without hesitation. 

 

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2 comments

  • God knew what he was doing when he gave you Jewels. Thanks for sharing, Taylor! I was so locked in, I was sad when I got to the end, lol. <3

    Darielle on

  • I love you Taylor!
    Thanks for sharing always.

    Brittany on

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